I Feel Your Pain
by Mortalita
Summary: Two parts, first in Kakashi’s POV and second in Iruka’s. Kakashi has only watched the ever-joyful Iruka from afar, but when he gets close he can see—and truly witnesses—the pain that Iruka is hiding inside.
1. I Feel Your Pain

**TITLE: **_I Feel Your Pain_

**PAIRING: **_IruKaka/KakaIru_

**GENRE: **_Angst, Hurt/Comfort_

**RATING: **_T _

**WORD COUNT: **_1,612_

**SUMMARY: **_(Two parts, first in Kakashi's POV and second in Iruka's.) Kakashi has only watched the ever-joyful Iruka from afar, but when he gets close he can see—and truly witnesses—the pain that Iruka is hiding inside._

**DISCLAIMER: **_If I owned Kakashi and Iruka there would have been a lot more of both of them in chapter 420!_

**WARNINGS:**_ Attempted suicide and angst?_

**NOTE:**_ I felt bad for not putting up my planned smut...or my Valentine themed oneshot...so here's something that just **came** to me. The parts are basically the same thing, but in difference perspectives. I tried to repeat a few though processes, so make it more...I don't know. If you find any errors please tell me. I love reviews, criticism and just anything from you all!_

You're always surrounded by people. Adults, children...you're never alone. Someone is forever accompanying you, and I can never approach. How could I? You're the adored chuunin sensei, and I? I am a killing machine and nothing more.

But, what would you do if I did? If I walked up and said something besides the usual 'yo'? Would you reply? Would you even notice my pitiful existence? Of course you would. It would be shallow, I know, but you can't not reply to someone. Anyone. You are so kind that you could never let a person down hard.

I sigh behind my mask that keeps everyone out and turn away from your laughing face. I see too much innocence in you...too much life.

I don't deserve you.

I am nothing more than a harbinger of death, meant to live and die alone. So utterly alone. I keep barriers between myself and others to make sure that they aren't hurt, so that no one can hurt but myself. It's my ultimate penance for being so messed up.

More than once I catch myself watching you, but this time I see something different. Your smile falters for only a fraction of a second, but I see it. I see utter _pain_ in your eyes and it saddens me. Your eyes don't deserve to look like that, ever.

You say your farewells to the group surrounding you, and I feel compelled to follow. I stay back in the shadows and remain an ever silent spectator. A heavy weight descends upon my chest as I see your expression open up to more pain as you get farther away from the crowds.

I hover in a tree and watch you through your window. I berate myself silently. If you found out that I...I am stalking you...how much would you hate me? Could it even be expressed in words? I should leave.

I _can't._

My eye widens as I see you pull a kunai from the holder on your thigh and bring it up to your wrist. Before I could move you draw it across your wrist and the crimson life-liquid seeps through the edges.

In a moment, I'm there.

My thin fingers wrap around your wrist and I know my visible eye is burning in untold fury. I do not aim it at you, I swear.

Please, don't shake like that...

I'm not mad at you, only your actions.

You wrench your arm away and I can smell the fear in your chakra. I back off immediately and try to apologize, but the words can't form in my throat.

Your voice shakes as you ask me to leave. I blink slowly. What? Are those...You're crying now and not bothering to hide it. I watch the blood drip from your abused wrist as you point back toward the window I had bolted through. I can't move, even when you shout at me to leave.

Why?

Because your eyes are begging me to stay.

I step closer and my chest clenches painfully when you step back. Please...don't run from me. I reach my hand up slowly and remove my barrier. The mask is useless now. I want you to see.

See my anguish, but do not fear.

See my errors, but do not judge.

See my pain, but do not pity.

My hand reaches out and I touch you gently. You are too shocked to move away and I pull you close. My arms cradle you against me as you begin to shake and my voice whispers soft nonsense words to you. I ignore the cracks in my endless supply of brainless syllables. The gibberish is lethargically soothing you, but too slowly.

You aren't getting better. I lower my lips to a salty cheek and begin to kiss your tears away. I am so nervous. I don't try to hide it, for when I finish kissing away your tears my lips hover for a moment before they meet yours.

I love you.

The words thump agonizingly in my chest. I know them to be true. I whisper them to you, over and over. You pull me closer, your shaking is less now.

Don't worry, you're with me now, and I won't let you go. I want you to be safe with me. Forever.


	2. Do You Really?

There are always so many around me. I can feel myself drowning, even now. There is only one person I want to notice me...but, no. It cannot be. You are too far out of my reach. Too perfect.

The village adores you, you know.

You're the Copy Nin, and I? I am not worthy of your time. I don't deserve to speak to you, to smile at you...but I do. Every day when I see you, I smile. I cannot help it. You are the only thing that can ease my pain.

I glance away from all of the talking, the endless noise. Our eyes meet. Or so I think. I doubt it, I doubt a lot of things where you are concerned. I can't read your lidded gaze from so far away. I must have been imagining things. It wouldn't be the first time.

I remember my weak hopes that you were slightly interested in me. At least as a friend. You have begun lingering a few seconds more at the mission desk than usual—or so it seems. Must be my imagination, right? I shake my head and smile again. I almost slipped. My smiling mask cannot do that. Not with so many around.

I excuse myself. I need to get away and let go. I need to let out some of this despair. It has built up for so long. So much death, so much betrayal. Why do I feel so alone when there are so many people around me?

When I reach home I lock the door behind me, and walk deep into my apartment. Pausing in the dead center, I stare out my window for a while and wonder.

Would I be missed?

Would anyone cry for me?

I pull out a kunai and study the sharp edge. My wondering gets the better of me and the sharp cool edge rests against my wrist. I can't take life anymore.

But as I start the drag, something inside screams out at me. My will to survive. My will that has kept me living this long.

The cut changes direction. It didn't run up the length of my arm, it is no longer fatal. Why don't I just add another...?

I freeze. A hand grips my wound painfully tight. The skin is so beautifully pale. It's you. I look up and nearly flinch at the indescribable rage I see in that almost black-blue eye of yours.

I flinch. I can't help it. I know what you can do.

I'm shaking now, but something overcomes me and I rip my wrist away from you. My eyes lock on the blood—my blood—on your hand as I whisper in my disgracefully quivering voice that you leave. Please...just let me remain alone in my shame.

Hot tears burn my eyes when you don't move. Why are you staying? Do you want to mock me more than you already do with your carefree attitude?

I'm yelling now, telling you to get out of my house as I brandish my finger at the window you came in through.

I look up, knowing that my pain is there for you to see. I _want_ you to see it.

See it and fear me.

See it and judge me.

Just don't pity me.

Why did you step closer? I retreat as a reflex, even though I just want to be held. My eyes can't leave yours. You have captivated me. Why do you care?

My body tenses as you raise your hand. Will you strike me?

No. You...what are you...? You're taking off your mask! But, why?

I'm shocked. Your face is so wonderful I can't describe it. I can see pain in it too. So much pain, just like my own. Do you know how I feel? Do you understand what I'm going through?

Once again you move closer, and I cannot move. Your arms are wrapping around me, and I feel a deep warmth penetrate my sorrow. Soft and senseless words accompany the hot breath on my ear and cheek. I don't try to make sense of what you're saying, I know my brain wouldn't be able to understand it.

Your lips touch my cheek and my eyes flutter open. You keep touching me, brushing my shameful tears away sweetly with your lips. What have I done to deserve this? Have I suffered enough?

I close my eyes again and let you finish. Your mouth moves away and I feel you tense. Your arms pull me closer and before I know it you are kissing me.

_Kissing me._

My eyes fly open suddenly before I slowly melt into you and my trembling hands desperately grasp your shirt. I cling to you, never wanting to be parted.

My breath catches as you pull back and whisper three words to me. I blink as you repeat them over and over like a mantra. I can do no more than I already have. You are already impossibly close to me.

I bury my face in your shoulder and sigh. I'm not leaving, I hope you know that. You opened yourself up to me, and I can't bare to be isolated from you. Never again.

I won't worry anymore. You're here. You always were, and you always will be. Forever.


End file.
